Cheers and Good notions.
V.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Gautham’s Next Movie
See. I have watched these two films. Made by Gautham. And epiphany struck me. I saw the future.
One of these films was called Kaakka Kaakka (I hope the spelling is right and it doesn’t remind you of that other thing which we were so fond of saying in school) and Vettaiyaadu Veliyadu (sic). The former starred Surya and Jothika and the latter, Kamal Haasan and Ditto. Rather to the chagrin of my sister, who is a HUGE fan of M. Surya and is pretty pissed that he is marrying someone so round as Jothika, I found both movies just bordering on tolerable.
Gautham must never be allowed within miles of a script, a camera, or Kamal Haasan.
He is havoc. He is mad. He will make another film. I am sure of that. And I, being the Genius that I am, can give you the details of that film. I can! Really!! To paraphrase a line from a great playwright, I am basing this on certain things he did and certain observations I have made.
Getting down to brass tacks, the next film will have the following characteristics:
1) THE HERO: It will be Rajini. Come on! Who else is left??? He (Gautham)’s done Surya. He’s done the GREAT Kamal Haasan. Who is the only one in the whole industry who can take up after these two??? Right.
2) The HEROINE: The bubbly, effervescent Mrs. Surya alias Jothika of the “Mmm…enakku oru kiss kudu (pout)” fame.
3) THE MAIN CHARACTER (MALE): It will be a police officer. That was the case in both Kaakka Kaakka (KK hereinafter) and Vettaiyadu Veliyadu (VV hereinafter). It will be, it HAS TO BE, in the next one also.
Now see, in KK, the police officer marries Jothika, who gets killed by the villain. In VV, the policeman marries, his wife gets killed by the villain, and then he falls in love with Jothika. So what now?
Obvious!!! The policeman’s father, also a policeman, will marry and he and his wife will get killed by the villain. The son, now a policeman (wonder of wonders!!! Bet you wouldn’t have guessed that!!!!) will fall for Jothika, or Jothika will fall on him, in which case HE WILL DIE early in the film.
He will also have a drooping moustache.
4) THE MAIN CHARACTER (FEMALE): JOTHIKAJOTHIKAJOTHIKA. She will return to reprise her role for the third time. She will be something classy, a teacher (Yes!!! There are classy teachers!! This is KOLLY-BLOODY-WOOD!!!) or a software pro or something (Gautham will think of something. Maybe she will be a Teacher of Software. He is clever, that man, really clever. Beats me how he does it.) She will be chubby and will utter lines wonderfully with a pout and will cry and will squint and smile dangerously at the camera. The hero will fall for her, or she will fall on him and... Sorry, I can’t help cracking that one again and again.
5) THE LOVE ANGLE: One or both of the main characters will have broken pasts. They will meet at a coffee shop to discuss this (The shop was in Chennai in KK, New York in VV, maybe Chicago or Switzerland in the next one). Here, Jothika will say, “Mmm…enakku oru kiss kudu” or it's equivalent and then she will pout, whereupon the hero will fall for her, or she will fall on…Sorry.
Louuuu will happen.
6) THE DIALOGUES: What? What? You haven’t read this article carefully, have you??? THIS IS A GAUTHAM FILM! The dialogues will be retarded. Meaningless. Actors will adlib. Jothika will say “Mmm…enakku oru kiss kudu” and pout.
7) THE FAMILIES: The policeman will have an elder sister or someone similar to whom he will go and confess that he has fallen for Jothika (or that she has fallen on…Shit. I can’t stop myself!!!). The sister will ask him to go grab her, only more politely. Also, it is very possible that the villain will, to add to the pathos (Sadness, sorry. I’m sure Gautham won’t know such words as pathos.) kill some family friend. It has to happen, boss.
8) THE MUSIC: Will be a repeat of KK and VV. The lead song will have rhyming tamil words. KK had the inane “Kanäva Kädhala”, VV had it’s silly “Vénnilavé Vélli Nilavé”. (I love putting accent signs in tamil words.)
The camera will focus on Jothika singing INSANELY stupid sounds (I can’t call them words) like WOUUUAAUUUAAUUUAUU or YÉYIIIYAAAUUUUYYYEEEAAA. Rest of the background music will be very very VERY similar.
Don’t believe me???? Get both movies and watch them one after another. You’ll know.
9) THE TITLE: Obviously it will be two words, starting with the same letter. Maybe an SS or JJ or CC or something. ZZ or XX or AA or BB or... You get the picture.
10) THE ENDING: The hero will kill the villain in an airport. Wait! This is true! See: in KK, this happens in a shipyard. In VV, the scene almost identically shot and enacted, takes place in a derelict railway station. Ships, over. Railways, done. What’s left?? Airport. See?
HOW I KNOW ALL THIS?? SIMPLE.
He will also have a drooping moustache.
4) THE MAIN CHARACTER (FEMALE): JOTHIKAJOTHIKAJOTHIKA. She will return to reprise her role for the third time. She will be something classy, a teacher (Yes!!! There are classy teachers!! This is KOLLY-BLOODY-WOOD!!!) or a software pro or something (Gautham will think of something. Maybe she will be a Teacher of Software. He is clever, that man, really clever. Beats me how he does it.) She will be chubby and will utter lines wonderfully with a pout and will cry and will squint and smile dangerously at the camera. The hero will fall for her, or she will fall on him and... Sorry, I can’t help cracking that one again and again.
5) THE LOVE ANGLE: One or both of the main characters will have broken pasts. They will meet at a coffee shop to discuss this (The shop was in Chennai in KK, New York in VV, maybe Chicago or Switzerland in the next one). Here, Jothika will say, “Mmm…enakku oru kiss kudu” or it's equivalent and then she will pout, whereupon the hero will fall for her, or she will fall on…Sorry.
Louuuu will happen.
6) THE DIALOGUES: What? What? You haven’t read this article carefully, have you??? THIS IS A GAUTHAM FILM! The dialogues will be retarded. Meaningless. Actors will adlib. Jothika will say “Mmm…enakku oru kiss kudu” and pout.
7) THE FAMILIES: The policeman will have an elder sister or someone similar to whom he will go and confess that he has fallen for Jothika (or that she has fallen on…Shit. I can’t stop myself!!!). The sister will ask him to go grab her, only more politely. Also, it is very possible that the villain will, to add to the pathos (Sadness, sorry. I’m sure Gautham won’t know such words as pathos.) kill some family friend. It has to happen, boss.
8) THE MUSIC: Will be a repeat of KK and VV. The lead song will have rhyming tamil words. KK had the inane “Kanäva Kädhala”, VV had it’s silly “Vénnilavé Vélli Nilavé”. (I love putting accent signs in tamil words.)
The camera will focus on Jothika singing INSANELY stupid sounds (I can’t call them words) like WOUUUAAUUUAAUUUAUU or YÉYIIIYAAAUUUUYYYEEEAAA. Rest of the background music will be very very VERY similar.
Don’t believe me???? Get both movies and watch them one after another. You’ll know.
9) THE TITLE: Obviously it will be two words, starting with the same letter. Maybe an SS or JJ or CC or something. ZZ or XX or AA or BB or... You get the picture.
10) THE ENDING: The hero will kill the villain in an airport. Wait! This is true! See: in KK, this happens in a shipyard. In VV, the scene almost identically shot and enacted, takes place in a derelict railway station. Ships, over. Railways, done. What’s left?? Airport. See?
HOW I KNOW ALL THIS?? SIMPLE.
It is obvious. Bernardo Bertolucci has said that every director makes only one film. That is, all the films made by one man are indications of who he is. If you put all the films of one director together, you will get an accurate picture of the man. Fellini had his idiosyncrasies, Kurosawa his histories and his sensitivities, Bergman and Pasolini had their obsessions, Kubrick had his genius and attention to detail. And all these are features of their movies.
Think Kubrick. Think Fellini, Kurosawa, Bergman (Sharma, I’m sure you know what I mean). Think (Snigger! Snort!) Tarkovsky or Antonioni.
This is true of Gautham also. He will keep on making the same film again and again, with other actors and Jothika. I think he made lots of research of policemen, and has enough material left over for another twenty films. Like Kieslowski’s Decalogues, he will make a Dodecalogue.
Or two.
You just wait and watch.
Love, cheer and lots of beer,
K.
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