Time to smile again??-By V

Nostalgia has kicked in, it's that time of the year again when the temperatures drop and sleep eludes me yet again. Times like these, my mind starts wandering, and I return to thoughts of things gone by, and the direction my life is taking. These are the times when I think about things I really hate to think about, thoughts that underline the change that has swept through me.

It was with great happiness that I learnt that a couple of my friends from back home were dropping by our recently renamed city for a fleeting visit. Natural talks of "Let's meet up, dude", several follow-up phone calls to ensure that the meeting up actually happened, and we met over coffee at my neighborhood coffee house. I hadn't met these guys for ages now, and meeting them just brought back all the feelings of homesickness that I have tried to fight off for the greater part of two years. We just talked about college days, and other stuff that guys talk about..who's seeing whom, what's everyone else doing in life, etc...Shortly, discovering that my mind and my mouth cuold function as two complete seperate entities, I let my mind wander. Thoughts of home, my friends, my old life all came flooding back. It's only been two years since I left home, but it feels like an eternity. I've left way too many things behind-my private spot on the rocks, where I could just sit and watch the ocean for hours, the coffee house which my best friend and I had made ourselves so much at home, my best friend, not to mention the only woman I probably ever fell in love with...even something as inane as MY bed. Thinking of all this made me smile, a tad wistfully, but a smile all the same.

"Dude!", said my friend, interrupting my reverie," that is the first real smile I've seen on your face all evening. Boy, you've sure changed!" DId he really have a point? Had I really stopped smiling?? Maybe he is right. I can't remember the last time I was truly happy, the last time I smiled because I meant it, not just out of politeness. And have I really changed all that much? I went from being Mr. Popular back home to Mr. Nobody here. I learnt to deal with it, eventually, even fancying myself as a bit of a loner, but everything has a limit. A few moments of time to yourself or solitude is sought after by all, but everytime i walk into a restaurant, remove my book and read because I have nobody to talk to, everytime i go through my phone book to see who I can call and talk to, everytime i see a large group of people sitting together and having a ball of a time, everytime I walk into my classroom and see the rows and rows of empty benches and realize that there is nobody around to fill them, the loneliness hits me like an anvil falling onto the head of Wily Coyote.

Perhaps I have changed, Perhaps the facade has finally slipped. In many ways, I may remain an overgrown child, but in many ways, I've grown up far more over these past two years than I might have.

I may have been broken, several times in this period, but I know I always manage to bounce back. I guess growing up is good, change is necessary, and solitude is but a passing phase.

Perhaps it is time to smile again.

V