Sunday, June 10, 2007

If there be a God... K

If there really is a God up there...

Then, this is my prayer to thee.

First, we begin with the Psalm of K.

“K-man is an island entire of himself; every
inch

A piece of the continent, a part of the main;

If a clod such as he, be washed away by the sea,

Would anyone be the less, as well as if a promontory were,

As well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own
were?”

Would it? Would you?

I presume that You, as has long been suspected, have ulterior motives. Not just for the rest of mankind, but for lorn individuals, such as moi.

You’ve been at work hard, haven’t you? You’ve been canceling all my plans.

You’ve been making people disappear. Ditto with thoughts, concepts.

And so I stand here, reft of choice, alone.

Do you have something planned?

I don’t know, I’m just asking. I don’t want to know what it is. Just whether there is something.

And if You do have something in mind, make it good.

Can’t think of anything more to say.

So, I’ll sign off.

Yours,

K.

P.S. Hope You read blogs.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

ALL UP IN SMOKE

BY K.

“The more you know, the more fragile we are.”
- Capt. Baker, in Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle’s ‘Lucifer’s Hammer’.

It seems to me that in latter years, the term “Scientific Development” has ceased to mean any development of a scientific kind and has gone on to become a never-ending series of gory, grisly warnings about how literally every single thing we humans do is so harmful. Refrigerators. Deodorants. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Television. Pharmaceutical research. Make up. Everything is harmful.

So why don’t we all just run away and die or something?

The more we learn, the more we realize how fragile we are. And thus, in the Second Millenium, we are freaking ourselves out.
Don’t use deodorants! Or fridges! The ozone layer is gone! You will by fried to a crisp by The Alpha Rays from Outer Space!!!
Don’t smoke! Your sperm will die, your DNA will shrivel and lose all its helical beauty – and so will your children! And your wife! And your neighbour’s dog will become infertile and can’t hump that b**ch down the street any more!!!!
Don’t drink! Your brain cells will die!! And as any interior designer worth his/her salt will tell you, what’s a brain without its brain cells??? Losing brain cells makes you more likely to get Alzheimer’s (a disease so destructive, half the medical community still pronounces it wrong)!!! (That is true, by the way. Because Alzheimer’s affects brain cells. Which OBVIOUSLY means, the less number of cells you have, the more chances of getting it. Hah. And we get taken in.)

The truth is, all these risks existed from ages ago. Cigarettes, if I remember right, were first smoked in the 1300s or so. They became popular very quickly. And if all these claims are right, we all should be stunted, sterile monsters now. And cancer should be running rampant. And AIDS.

Alcohol. Well, I need say nothing about that. It’s been around a LONG while. And we’re noticing harmful effects only now???

The thing is, we have stopped enjoying ourselves. We have stopped living and letting live. Now all we are concerned about is how much everything we do will harm us. We are so worried that these things will harm us, that the harm is already caused because of the worry rather than the activity.

Try this:
Tell a chain smoker he has a chance of getting a heart attack, but ask him not to worry – since every single human has a chance of getting one, as we all happen to have hearts. Ask him not to worry.

And catch another guy, who neither smokes nor drinks. Tell him these days risks have gone up by 17% which means he is more likely to get heartburn and attacks and AIDS and cancer and everything else. Basically FREAK HIS ASS OUT.

Now you have two people. One who has a high risk quotient, but is not worried about it. He is HAPPY. And another who has no risk, but is VERY WORRIED.

See which one gets a heart attack first.

In your heart, you know I’m right. It’s the worrying that’ll kill us off.

I’m not saying encourage everything, but at least stop freaking people out. Good lord! The scientists are putting out warnings which, if taken at one go, probably indicate that one half of the entire human population should be taken out and shot by the other half. And then, half of the remaining should be taken out and shot by the other remaining half and then half the ….

And then only two people will be left alive, and it won’t matter. Whatever one does will increase the others chances of death by about 50%. They’ll collapse from worry in about two minutes.

And the aliens will win.

Wait. I didn’t tell you about that???!!! Shit!

See, long years ago, aliens colonised the Earth. They tried to gain control by any means they could: started wars, assassinated Presidents, gave India independence, everything. But nothing was really effective. Then they hit on the solution.

They masqueraded as scientists and proceeded to totally confuse and scare us. The result? No free will anywhere. All of us will just lay down and die.

And I’m predicting it will happen that way.

The media will continue to show us all the Harmful Things and the Surveys that will show us How Harmful Harmful Everything Is.
And we’ll freak out.
In a couple of generations, we’ll be breeding men and women too shit-scared to do anything. Soon, no one will WANT to live any more. Indeed, it’s happening now, already!

Who wants to live if:
Taking a walk in traffic is equal to smoking three cigarettes?
Smokers get their DNA damaged and they’ll have stunted, horribly disfigured children!
Smokers’ spouses, colleagues, casual sexual contacts will all develop cancer and they will become infertile!
The ozone layer is gone! You can get skin diseases just by walking in the sunlight!
Typing things on a computer will give you extremely debilitating nerve diseases, which means basically you’ll have to amputate your hands!
Reading things on computer screens will harm your eyes!

LIVING will harm YOUR LIFE!!!!

SO DIE!!!
Epilogue:

We won!!! We won!!!!

- Alien Military Commander, April 13th, 2078.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

THE HORCRUX PROBLEM – K

I know I may be getting in well over my neck on this issue, but still. I’ve been audacious before, so why stop now?

The thing is, I consider a series – of anything: movies, books, comics – to be good only when all instalments are consistent. Which means that you don’t invent things for sequels that weren’t mentioned at all in the prequels. For reasons I shall explain later, I will call this the Horcrux problem.

I’m not saying all elements of the storyline of all instalments should be known beforehand. That is impossible. All I’m saying is, elements that are crucial to the climax/denouement/unravelling-of-plot of any story must be – and repeat MUST BE – elements well known, and they must have been introduced right from the beginning. All right, I’ll explain. Any story has certain elements in it which are needed for the ending or the solution of that story.

Think of them as analogous to the clues in a detective story. And like in any good detective tale, these ‘clues’ – to continue the metaphor – must be mentioned early on. Sherlock Holmes doesn’t solve a case with a single clue he found five minutes before telling us the solution, which clue is mentioned for the first time only when he finds it. That clue may be found to have a bearing on the case only later, but it is introduced as an element early on in the story. We know it's there. It's not a total surprise.

Thus, Clues must be present from the beginning, even if they aren’t introduced as such. In other words, it is enough if we know of the prior existence of the clue, even if it's importance remained unknown. This knowledge is what makes the solution – to borrow a term mathematicians are fond of – so elegant.

For example, suppose we have a story in which a villain must be killed. And we all know that there is some special way in which he must be killed. Forget what that way is, we know he cannot be killed by normal means. Example – Dracula and the stake. This is a crucial element. Hence, we must know about this from the first, even if we have no idea what the way is to kill him till the last story in the instalment.

Or, assume that a Secret Service agent is introduced in Issue 17. We must know of the existence of the Secret Service from Issue 1 itself (at least, within Issue 5). No point introducing the agent and then saying, “Whoops! Sorry we didn’t tell you, you see, there is this Secret Service…” It won’t do.

I hope you’ve got the point.

Now, the reason why I bring this up: I find that of late, too many books and movies violate this rule. I'll get to why I call it the Horcrux Problem:

The Horcruxes in the Harry Potter books are the best example of such errors.

See, there have been six Harry Potter books. Now we avid readers know that the main Villain is one Lord Voldemort. We know that there are absolute LEGIONS of very immensely powerful wizards who have dedicated their lives to killing this evil thing. But it isn’t until Book Five (if I remember right) that we learn about Horcruxes. Then we are told that destroying these things is essential to Voldy’s death.

Bit of trivia for buffs: Voldemort literally means “Flee From Death” of “Flight From Death” in French.

And we are also told that Dumbledore knew about these from the first.

All right, I admit that old Harry is too young to learn about this, but, how come none of the other characters ever mentions this? Not the muggles, not the Dark Followers of the Flee-er From Death, not the Good Wizards, NO ONE???

And this is strange, because half the novels centre on Harry solving something by total fluke, and mostly from overhearing things he never should have heard, being so young and nice and cute and all. So, why weren’t these essentials mentioned at all? Harry is told so much about Voldy, except the trivial detail that Voldy’s mouldering soul is contained in these Horcruxii and he can’t be killed without destroying the evil thingummies first.

Classic case of the Problem. Hence the name.

Another glaring case of the Horcrux Problem in the Harry Potter books:

Spells: It is believable that since in each book, Harry learns tougher and more deadly incantations because he is now in a higher class, he didn't know them from the beginning. All right. What about all the others? The seniors? The lecturers? Why don’t they all use these complicated mantras from the first book onwards? I'm not saying they must use it thrice every page, but at least once? They surely knew them? They didn’t learn them all only when Harry did? So why doesn’t anyone use any powerful spells till Harry learns them?

(Now everyone will say that once we know them, we learn in retrospect that they had been used before, or that things unexplained in the previous books are explained now that we know this. Like, once we know about the Avada Kedavra, we are told that Harry's mom and dad died due to that. Right.

I call that bad writing. Hah. That's a laugh. A bad writer on about bad writing. Right.

“Oh, Harry, now that you know what an Avada Kedavra Curse is – what? No, Harry, dear one, it is not a Tamil swear word, it’s a very bad curse – yes, that one. Good boy. Now that you know what it is, I just thought I might tell you – in passing, what? En passant, as the French say, and all that – your momma was popped off by that one. Yes, right, it’s definitely not cricket. Oh, by all means, have another cup of tea, old chap!”
It won’t do.)

I’ll give you another sample:

The Pirate Lords in the Pirates of the Caribbean series: Introduced only in the third movie. If Four Main Characters – Sparrow, Jones, Barbossa, Tia Dalma – are involved, and three of them are actually Lords, how come no one mentions it????

Another one, same source:

Calypso: If all sailors are as obsessed with the GODDESS as they are in At World’s End, how come they never mention her in the other two movies? I mean, she’s supposed to be the Goddess of the Seas and all that, right?

I'll stop here.

And as for you, off you go and find more cases of the Horcrux Problem.

And, before anyone calls me a nitpicker, I’ll get out of here.

See ya.

PIRATES 3. TRULY THE END – K.

WARNING 1!!! NOT FOR FANS!!!!

WARNING 2!!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!


Somewhere, in an article to young writers, someone said to avoid melodrama, defining the term as follows:
“An action or a series of actions can be called melodramatic if the characters perform those actions without adequate motivation.”

By this definition, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (hereinafter referred to derogatorily as POTCAWE) is MELODRAMA personified.

THERE. THAT SHOULD’VE SPOILED YOUR DAY. IF IT DIDN’T, GO WATCH POTCAWE.

This article shall be divided into two sections:
1) Comments.
2) How POTCAWE was filmed.

PART UN: COMMENTS

Johnny Depp – he’s done it. Invented a character so complete, he can even hold his own in a screenplay that is totally nonexistent. Meaning: even in a totally absent storyline, Capt. Sparrow does EXACTLY what you’d expect him to do. Saving grace 1.

Geoffrey Rush – he’s got the “Arr! Avast me hearties!!! Land ahoy!!” pirate down pat. Saving Grace 2. But, sincerely, Jeff old boy, DON’T play a pirate. In your next 73 movies.

Bill Nighy
– Saving Grace 3. Enough said.

Kiera Knightley – STOP MIMICKING CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. AND STOP THAT RIDICULOUSLY HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING. (Kinder tone) Go take some SERIOUS medical treatment for Anorexia Nervosa, put on some weight and shoot more nude magazine covers, preferably with a nude Scarlet Johansson next to you.

BONUS: Top Five Expressions that KK’s face is not made to display:
1) Hauteur
2) Grandeur
3) Grace
4) Anger
5) Disgust

BONUS 2: I think the leg shown at the end of the movie is a body double. No way it belongs on her.

Orlando Bloom – Please. You’ve made me like Legolas less. And I will never forgive you for it.

Chow Yun Fat – Please don’t waste your time in Hollywood. They’ll give you shitty roles. Waste of good talent. To come on with scars and die unsung. Sad.

All the extras who weren’t needed in the story but were there in the movie – I hope you all got paid, or got free lunches, or something.

PART DEUX: HOW THE FILM WAS SHOT

STEP ONE:
“Hey guys! I need sixty four storylines for this movie! I don’t care if they all connect. We’ll shoot them as short films and paste them together. The audience won’t never notice!!”
“Say, boss?”
“Yeah?”
“You used a double negative there. You said ‘won’t never’. That’s wrong.”
“Owwww!!! A smartass aye!!! MAKE THAT SEVENTY STORYLINES, YOU PRICK!!! AND I WANT IT BY TOMORROW MORNING!!!”

STEP TWO:
“We’ve called this film At World’s End. I know, I know, the plot’s got nothin’ ta do with that, but who de fok cares???”
“Say, boss?”
“Yeah, smartass. Whatsitnow???”
“I didn’t catch those last two words… de fok it sounded like… how’dja spell ‘em??”
“THAT DOES IT!!! ONE HUNDRED STORYLINES!!!! GEDDOWN ON THE FLOOR AND BEGIN, CADET!!! HUP TWO THREE FOUR!! HUP TWO THREE…”

STEP THREE:
“Guys!!! Get some good lines in for…ummmm… for… let’s see… Sparrow, Jones, ummmm… some sentimental stuff for Swann… And…that’s it! They won’t understand anyone else’s accent anyway!!!!”

STEP FOUR:

“We need to insult the people of India and the Middle East. Make pirates from those regions as ridiculous as you can!!! F**k racism!!!”

STEP FIVE:
“Hey!!! Holy mother of god!!! We’ve totally forgotten the whole sloppy wet kiss between Turner and Swann!!! F**k!!! What scene are we in now? Shit! The end fight? Damn it’s okay!! Sling it in there! Let’s have the sloppy wet kiss between Turner and Swann scene in the middle of the fight!!! No problem!!!! If anyone’s still in the theatres by that time, they can enjoy it.”

STEP SIX:
CUT!!!!!

End of movie.
End of franchise.
Thank God for small mercies.
End of article.
Thank God for larger mercies.