WARNING 1!!! NOT FOR FANS!!!!
WARNING 2!!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!
Somewhere, in an article to young writers, someone said to avoid melodrama, defining the term as follows:
“An action or a series of actions can be called melodramatic if the characters perform those actions without adequate motivation.”
By this definition, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (hereinafter referred to derogatorily as POTCAWE) is MELODRAMA personified.
THERE. THAT SHOULD’VE SPOILED YOUR DAY. IF IT DIDN’T, GO WATCH POTCAWE.
This article shall be divided into two sections:
1) Comments.
2) How POTCAWE was filmed.
PART UN: COMMENTS
Johnny Depp – he’s done it. Invented a character so complete, he can even hold his own in a screenplay that is totally nonexistent. Meaning: even in a totally absent storyline, Capt. Sparrow does EXACTLY what you’d expect him to do. Saving grace 1.
Geoffrey Rush – he’s got the “Arr! Avast me hearties!!! Land ahoy!!” pirate down pat. Saving Grace 2. But, sincerely, Jeff old boy, DON’T play a pirate. In your next 73 movies.
Bill Nighy – Saving Grace 3. Enough said.
Kiera Knightley – STOP MIMICKING CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. AND STOP THAT RIDICULOUSLY HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING. (Kinder tone) Go take some SERIOUS medical treatment for Anorexia Nervosa, put on some weight and shoot more nude magazine covers, preferably with a nude Scarlet Johansson next to you.
BONUS: Top Five Expressions that KK’s face is not made to display:
1) Hauteur
2) Grandeur
3) Grace
4) Anger
5) Disgust
BONUS 2: I think the leg shown at the end of the movie is a body double. No way it belongs on her.
Orlando Bloom – Please. You’ve made me like Legolas less. And I will never forgive you for it.
Chow Yun Fat – Please don’t waste your time in Hollywood. They’ll give you shitty roles. Waste of good talent. To come on with scars and die unsung. Sad.
All the extras who weren’t needed in the story but were there in the movie – I hope you all got paid, or got free lunches, or something.
PART DEUX: HOW THE FILM WAS SHOT
STEP ONE:
“Hey guys! I need sixty four storylines for this movie! I don’t care if they all connect. We’ll shoot them as short films and paste them together. The audience won’t never notice!!”
“Say, boss?”
“Yeah?”
“You used a double negative there. You said ‘won’t never’. That’s wrong.”
“Owwww!!! A smartass aye!!! MAKE THAT SEVENTY STORYLINES, YOU PRICK!!! AND I WANT IT BY TOMORROW MORNING!!!”
STEP TWO:
“We’ve called this film At World’s End. I know, I know, the plot’s got nothin’ ta do with that, but who de fok cares???”
“Say, boss?”
“Yeah, smartass. Whatsitnow???”
“I didn’t catch those last two words… de fok it sounded like… how’dja spell ‘em??”
“THAT DOES IT!!! ONE HUNDRED STORYLINES!!!! GEDDOWN ON THE FLOOR AND BEGIN, CADET!!! HUP TWO THREE FOUR!! HUP TWO THREE…”
STEP THREE:
“Guys!!! Get some good lines in for…ummmm… for… let’s see… Sparrow, Jones, ummmm… some sentimental stuff for Swann… And…that’s it! They won’t understand anyone else’s accent anyway!!!!”
STEP FOUR:
“We need to insult the people of India and the Middle East. Make pirates from those regions as ridiculous as you can!!! F**k racism!!!”
STEP FIVE:
“Hey!!! Holy mother of god!!! We’ve totally forgotten the whole sloppy wet kiss between Turner and Swann!!! F**k!!! What scene are we in now? Shit! The end fight? Damn it’s okay!! Sling it in there! Let’s have the sloppy wet kiss between Turner and Swann scene in the middle of the fight!!! No problem!!!! If anyone’s still in the theatres by that time, they can enjoy it.”
STEP SIX:
CUT!!!!!
End of movie.
End of franchise.
Thank God for small mercies.
End of article.
Thank God for larger mercies.
WARNING 2!!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!
Somewhere, in an article to young writers, someone said to avoid melodrama, defining the term as follows:
“An action or a series of actions can be called melodramatic if the characters perform those actions without adequate motivation.”
By this definition, Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (hereinafter referred to derogatorily as POTCAWE) is MELODRAMA personified.
THERE. THAT SHOULD’VE SPOILED YOUR DAY. IF IT DIDN’T, GO WATCH POTCAWE.
This article shall be divided into two sections:
1) Comments.
2) How POTCAWE was filmed.
PART UN: COMMENTS
Johnny Depp – he’s done it. Invented a character so complete, he can even hold his own in a screenplay that is totally nonexistent. Meaning: even in a totally absent storyline, Capt. Sparrow does EXACTLY what you’d expect him to do. Saving grace 1.
Geoffrey Rush – he’s got the “Arr! Avast me hearties!!! Land ahoy!!” pirate down pat. Saving Grace 2. But, sincerely, Jeff old boy, DON’T play a pirate. In your next 73 movies.
Bill Nighy – Saving Grace 3. Enough said.
Kiera Knightley – STOP MIMICKING CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW. AND STOP THAT RIDICULOUSLY HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING. (Kinder tone) Go take some SERIOUS medical treatment for Anorexia Nervosa, put on some weight and shoot more nude magazine covers, preferably with a nude Scarlet Johansson next to you.
BONUS: Top Five Expressions that KK’s face is not made to display:
1) Hauteur
2) Grandeur
3) Grace
4) Anger
5) Disgust
BONUS 2: I think the leg shown at the end of the movie is a body double. No way it belongs on her.
Orlando Bloom – Please. You’ve made me like Legolas less. And I will never forgive you for it.
Chow Yun Fat – Please don’t waste your time in Hollywood. They’ll give you shitty roles. Waste of good talent. To come on with scars and die unsung. Sad.
All the extras who weren’t needed in the story but were there in the movie – I hope you all got paid, or got free lunches, or something.
PART DEUX: HOW THE FILM WAS SHOT
STEP ONE:
“Hey guys! I need sixty four storylines for this movie! I don’t care if they all connect. We’ll shoot them as short films and paste them together. The audience won’t never notice!!”
“Say, boss?”
“Yeah?”
“You used a double negative there. You said ‘won’t never’. That’s wrong.”
“Owwww!!! A smartass aye!!! MAKE THAT SEVENTY STORYLINES, YOU PRICK!!! AND I WANT IT BY TOMORROW MORNING!!!”
STEP TWO:
“We’ve called this film At World’s End. I know, I know, the plot’s got nothin’ ta do with that, but who de fok cares???”
“Say, boss?”
“Yeah, smartass. Whatsitnow???”
“I didn’t catch those last two words… de fok it sounded like… how’dja spell ‘em??”
“THAT DOES IT!!! ONE HUNDRED STORYLINES!!!! GEDDOWN ON THE FLOOR AND BEGIN, CADET!!! HUP TWO THREE FOUR!! HUP TWO THREE…”
STEP THREE:
“Guys!!! Get some good lines in for…ummmm… for… let’s see… Sparrow, Jones, ummmm… some sentimental stuff for Swann… And…that’s it! They won’t understand anyone else’s accent anyway!!!!”
STEP FOUR:
“We need to insult the people of India and the Middle East. Make pirates from those regions as ridiculous as you can!!! F**k racism!!!”
STEP FIVE:
“Hey!!! Holy mother of god!!! We’ve totally forgotten the whole sloppy wet kiss between Turner and Swann!!! F**k!!! What scene are we in now? Shit! The end fight? Damn it’s okay!! Sling it in there! Let’s have the sloppy wet kiss between Turner and Swann scene in the middle of the fight!!! No problem!!!! If anyone’s still in the theatres by that time, they can enjoy it.”
STEP SIX:
CUT!!!!!
End of movie.
End of franchise.
Thank God for small mercies.
End of article.
Thank God for larger mercies.
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