THIS PLACE: A VITRIOLIC POEM

By

K

This place in which I presently live, this place in which I dwell:
This wasteland that people love to hate; and loathe and abhor as well,
This blasted patch, this cursed land on the outskirts of the city,
This place of very little pulchritude, and less’r electricity.
This godforsaken blasted place on the outskirts of the city,
Where the only people who smile at you, do so out of pity.

This place that no single person has any idea how to get to,
And when I try to tell them, we end up havin’ a set-to.
Most o’ my pals when asked to come say “It’s so friggin’ fa’!”
And one guy by the name of Sharma goes, “It’s a village, pa!”
And the buses are always chock-full with labourers and the like,
Asking someone to come home is like saying, “Take a hike.”

Any place in the city is too far to reach on time,
And when I do arrive, I’m so full of dirt and grime.
Which is not so surprising after two hours of standing
Crushed up against smelly people; all of them demanding
More space than they can get, so they can rest their arses,
And I even pay to do this! Yea! I pay for monthly passes.

There are no restaurants here, no bars or shopping malls,
Biharis own all the hardware stores, and Mallus own the stalls.
There are three colleges here, no less than seven schools,
There are four apartment blocks, all with swimming pools.
All the guys wear baggy pants and love hanging out of buses,
And rather than look at some of the girls, I’d marry platypuses.

Every time there’s a drop of rain, the electricity goes;
And the road become all muddy, to add to all my woes.
No Coffee Days, nowhere to relax, no nothing! And besides,
No Pizza place delivers here, curse their stinkin’ hides!
(Apparently they won’t come this side, ’cause they got police trouble.
My apologies to anyone from here, did I just burst a bubble?)

I don’t think I have to say anymore about this place where I am put up,
These many lines should have told the truth, so now’s the time to shut up.
And so, here ends this sad, sad tale of the place where I reside,
If anyone dares contradict me on this, I warn you, woe betide!
Any doubts you have I’ll try to clear, if it falls within my powers,
And anytime you want to meet me, give me a full two-an’-half hours!