CONFESSIONS OF A SUSPICIOUS MAN

- A Rant By K.

Why does it all look so suspicious?

This was the cause of a major argument between my mother and me some days ago. She maintained that every person has a right to maintain their dignity about their nationality, and a right to oppose any affronts to the same – remarks usually labelled ‘Racist’.

I maintained that all that is fine, but where does the line of contention lie if certain innocuous (or descriptive) words uttered in normally and essentially human tones of sarcasm or animosity are immediately taken as ‘racist slurs’? Who defines them? It is common at inter-racial meetings to refer to candidates as ‘Indians’ and ‘Americans’ just to demarcate. Why then, if a normal person does that, on national TV, is it taken to mean so much more?

I was glad, one day later to see that two top columnists shared my ideas.

One of them said:
“Paying Shilpa Shetty Rs 3 crore plus for enduring a few vilayati gaalis, has been a smart move for the producers of the show, which of late, had become as sluggish as its slovenly participants.”

Another vituperated thusly:
“Saving Shilpa has become like saving the whale or saving Private Lynch. Have we lost it? Why should we get…in(to) a twist over Shapely Shetty being reduced to a sobbing lump because a bunch of white bullies gave her a few verbal punches in broad limelight?
Why elevate the vacuous bubble gum of a celebrity show to a Michelin-starred debate on multiculturalism?
I refuse to make 'Indian' into a racial slur. And I wouldn't make an UN-necessary fuss about being called 'Paki' either, now that we greet every cross-border delegation like baratis. If Limey louts want to make these into hiss words, that's their problem.”

But other than these quasi-political and quasi-moral issues, I think the main problem that I saw, which disturbed me so, was the essential incredibility of it all. I mean the word in the basic and the basest sense: something that cannot be believed. It was all so suspicious.

In a conversation yesterday with some friends, a comment was made:
“Macha, if we are lounging, stinking, in our Bermudas with some beer and making porn jokes, and this seven-foot tall too-sexy ***** comes in dressed in a silk designer saree, and says (Herein a very credible imitation was made of the famous NRI/Hoity-Toity Nasal Indian accented voice): ‘Hi!! I’m ShilPA!!’ We would obviously say ‘Aw **** off, *****!’”

Also was heard this statement:
“So? Any toilet-paper using mother-****** would find it hard to believe that we use our hands…(And here the conversation went into a whole harangue on cleanliness and Paper v/s Hand. Not necessary.)”

The point is this, sarcasm, especially in a foreign accent, sounds very rude. But it isn’t. Think Ozzie or Rolling Stones. A “FECK ORFF!!!” sounds rude, where actually it is more of a daily catchphrase.

And the point is also this: Big Brother has always been known for the wrong things: Participants going in the buff (whole websites are dedicated to procuring and providing videos-with-sound of same), participants sleeping with one another and finally, participants behaving in the most horrible manner to each other just to get the other voted out. So, you are actually required to be impersonal, and at times, very rude, and all this has come to be regarded as an actual trademark of the show, people trashing each other and all that.

Because the deal is this: if you remain, you win loads of money!!! ONE HUNDRED THOU!!! (QUID!!!)

With classic quidnunc behaviour, if you’ll excuse the pun, I shall proceed.

Now, when Ms Shetty was asked to go on, we made a HUGE fuss about it. All Indians who surf porn know the ‘quality’ of BB. It is surprising that Ms S or the media made no mention.

Some days later, the world is SHOCKED by allegations of racism. Everyone most embarrassed. All public support goes to Ms S.

Ms S sniffles and blows her nose and stands seven foot three in her stockinged soles with classic figure and world drools and weeps, basically shedding water from two orifices simultaneously. Some people tie themselves in knots saying how embarrassed they are that such behaviour came out of them, and then the same ‘some people’ depart under a heavy, dark cloud. Then the same people take a six-month paid holiday to India on a ‘Healing Trip’. Though why coming to India should be considered one, the situation screams ‘BRIBE!!!’

The whole of the limey population are falling over themselves trying not to look racist, doing everything to look friendly.

Every single person who agrees with this votes for the aforementioned Amazon. To try and look very un-Racist. Result: Ms S garners 64% or something of deciding votes.

One day later, the aforementioned Amazon wins. Almost EIGHTY LAKHS of moolah (plus the 3 crores that she was already paid to attend (and maybe to accept ‘racist slurs’, who knows?) And she’s all smiles.

Quien sabe?

It looks very very suspicious. A brilliantly executed series of events, I agree, but it makes me feel very weird. Like Einstein must have felt when he came up with a brilliant plan, and then found out that the Americans had used the idea to kill millions of Japanese with the result.

In short, I am saddened. This smacks of Below-The-Belt tactics to me.

I’m sorry, but I don’t approve.

K.