Wind ’em up, Boys!

10 WAYS TO IRRITATE LECTURERS IN A BORING CLASS ® – PART ONE

It has been brought to my notice that students in Bangalore are facing a huge problem. Lecturers, it seems, have resorted to making their classes and lectures really boring, and in addition to that, are getting more and more uncaring and supercilious (towards the students, that is). Appeals, petitions and complaints, I am told, are about as effective as holding up a newspaper against a charging rhinoceros (and I am also told that some of these lecturers do resemble that unfortunate animal).

I have thought a lot about this, for it struck a chord in my heart. You see, it may be that I do not attend classes. It may so occur that I often proclaim that education has not taught me anything and do maintain, like Mark Twain, that “I tried to learn, but my education came in the way.” But deep down inside, I know that I am a student. A card-carrying, fees-paying member of the Sloggers’ Union. And I feel I must do something, because, in the one or two classes I attended, I found the lecturers inexpressibly – even for me – boring.

So, I have thought long and hard about this, and I am happy to report that I have come up with a solution. I present here my 10 ways to get back at the lecturers. It is my opinion that the only way to get back at them is to irritate the hell out of them, in their classes.

I have come up with the following ways in which one may do that:

(Note: these steps mentioned below do have lots of references to a certain Arjun Sharma. This guy is one of my closest pals, and his humour quotient is rather on the high side – and it matches with mine. In several lecturer-bashing sessions, we came up with a lot of very sensible tips of invaluable efficacy in lecturer-irritating, and some of these are there below.

These work, of that I can guarantee you. Of course, they have the side-effect that you may be thrown out of class, but if you don’t want to get out of a class, you shouldn’t be reading this anyway. You should be sticking your head inside your microwave and turning it on.
Or jumping off your balcony.

For the rest of you, these tips work.

And so I have included Sharma’s name here, with suitable mention as the originator or co-originator of several “routines”, lest he sues me for copyright infringement. Now, read on, please.)

10 WAYS TO IRRITATE LECTURERS IN A BORING CLASS ® – PART ONE

1) The easiest. Talk very loudly to your partner or the person sitting next to you. Jab him or her in the ribs, and guffaw loudly. Say thing like “Oh Gawd BUT THAT WAS FUNNY!!!” or “Jeeessus!!! You should have seen her face when he did that!!!” or “Man!! That skirt!!!” very loudly and laugh. Guaranteed material.

2) When the lecturer hauls you up, look confused, and say “Oh, I’m sorry, missed that. What did you say? .... What? …. You’re taking a class? Go right ahead. I was just telling my friend here a hilarious story. You just go right ahead, boss (or lady, depending on gender.) That’s right. Carry on.” And sit down.

3) Sit bolt upright suddenly in the middle of the class, pick up your cell phone (Now, if you say that cell phones aren’t allowed inside classrooms and so you don’t carry yours, please go boil your head. Or follow the microwave routine.) and listen, showing great amazement on your face, slowly getting to your feet. Then look at the class, put out your hands, and scream “NOW WHADDAYA THINK ABOUT THAT??? HOW THE BLOODY HELL DOES THAT GRAB YOU! SHIT!!!” and sit down. When hauled up and asked to explain, yell again, “LOOK! IF YOU DON’T KNOW YOUR BASICS, THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT THAT.” Sit down.

4) Whenever asked a question by the lecturer, look scandalised and follow the Arjun Sharma Routine – say, “How rude! I refuse; I abso-bloody-lutely refuse to sell my body!!”

5) Similarly, whenever asked for an answer to a problem, a question or a solution, repeat very loudly your registration number (1DC02EC022 or whatever it is) and smile, and sit down.

6) This is known as the Sharma-SK routine, after the two greats who invented it. Get up suddenly, walk up to the lecturer, look interestedly at a piece of his / her clothing and say, “Excuse me, what is the maximum retail price of this item??” and look very fascinated, waiting for a reply. After some time, walk back to your seat, and sit down as though nothing happened.

7) We come now to the third routine. This I will call the Sharma-Manjunath routine. This requires two people. Say your friend and you. In the middle of the class, have your friend stand up, point at something on the desk / table and ask loudly, in a parodied Tamil / Kannada accent, “Yeh khya hai???” Now, you also stand up, peer intently, and reply, equally loudly, “Yeh LENGTH hai.” Both of you nod contentedly and sit down.

8) Purse your lips and make loud racing car noises in the class. Blow out air while making a farting-sort of noise, only much more squeaky. It will, with some practice, sound exactly like an F1 car. Practice till this gets really REALLY loud.

9) This one I will call the Simi Garewal routine. Whatever the lecturer says, lean forward, look really interested and say, “How interesting!” or “That must have been so hard for you…” or any of the usual crap Simi says on her show. When the lecturer looks smug after deriving a long formula, etc., say, “That was BRILLIANT!”, and stand up, clap very effeminately and giggle. When anything surprising is said, go with “Well! Whatddaya know about that!” or “Loo-hook at that, baby!” or, a la Simi, “How absolutely fascinating!”

10) Last one. This one is for guys (mostly). Very loudly, hum ONLY THE GUITAR INTRO AND THE GUITAR SOLO of the following songs:
BLACK SABBATH by BLACK SABBATH
INTO THE VOID by BLACK SABBATH
FIRE by JIMI HENDRIX
PURPLE HAZE by JIMI HENDRIX
Any other LOUD Hendrix or Sabbath number
Any FLOYD number
Any IRON MAIDEN / JUDAS PRIEST number
Any – absolutely ANY – DEATH / THRASH / SPEED METAL number
Any song with good, loud guitaring.

And remember, hum it. Don’t sing the words, just hum the tune (or use sounds, not words).

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These 10 ways should keep you occupied for at least a semester. You are free to change these to suit your situation, and also to work on new routines.

Mainly, remember, you are paying money to sit in those classes. So make sure you have fun.

NJOI.