She Tarzan, Me Scandalised

A humorous version of a very harrowing incident in the author’s life

By

Prolixus Neonatus

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CHARACTERS:

She-Woman: A woman about 7’2” tall, built along the lines of the Albert Hall, with a voice like a foghorn on a silent night. Strong tendency to make chopping gestures with spade-like hands, protruding eyeballs. The works.

Supporter: Non-descript friend of She-Woman’s. Not worth taking notice of except while he is speaking, when everyone laughs at his accent.

Heckler: Another supporter of She-Woman: his only duty, to heckle me.

Victim: Me. I. See pic above.

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The scene: the class is in deep discussion. The Victim is gesturing argumentatively, all around him nodding sadly and sympathetically. General buzz of conversation. Planning is going on for a Class Party. Victim has made all arrangements, while She-Woman is trying to undo the whole thing, casting mud on Victim.

(Resounding drum roll)
She-Woman, Supporter and Heckler enter. All fall quiet. Heckler, smirk on face, oil on hair, goes and sits on last bench. She-Woman takes stance on dais, supporter stands bracingly below. She-Woman looks around, fire gleaming in her spectacles, her eyes find and settle on the Victim, who quails at the stare. She-Woman lifts her finger, points to Victim…

She-Woman: First point. You, YOU, have an ego.

Victim: Aham.

She-Woman: (Evil gleam in eye) Ha! Hem and haw! There is no escape for you!

Victim: I said “Aham”, not “Ahem.”

Supporter: Bhateetees??? Bhaat??? Bol bey saale!

Victim: Aham. Sanskrit for Ego.

She-Woman: Ho! Ha! Yes! You have an ego!

Victim: Yes.

She-Woman: What? What? What?

Victim: I said “Yes.”

She-Woman: I know that! You don’t trust anyone. You don’t trust me. What did I say? You say I refused to give out money from our funds.

Victim: Tell them how much.

She-Woman: How much? HOW MUCH??? YOU ASKED ME FOR 50 BUCKS EXTRA!!! HOW CAN I SIMPLY GIVE IT AWAY LIKE THAT? MONEY HAS NO VALUE FOR YOU??? I HAVE NO VALUE FOR YOU??? HOW CAN YOU???

Victim: (Also shouting) Yes, money has value. But I’m not going to grovel before you for a paltry 50 bucks!!

She-Woman: See?? You have an ego! A HUGE ego! (Supporter nods effusively. Bolstered, She-Woman continues) you don’t want me here, just be out with it. You hate me. You are turning the whole class against me!

Victim: What the hell! C’est la vie!

Heckler: Oy!! No need to show off your German, haan???

Victim: French.

Heckler: Who are you calling French? Watch it, maga!!

She-Woman: Don’t insult my friends. You have your own now. You hate me.

Victim: I only said it takes one person to spoil all the arrangements everyone has made.

She-Woman: (Draws huge, deep breath. Her eyes pop. So do two buttons.) See!! (To the class) see! He says I will spoil everything! He doesn’t want me to come! He hates me! Now, you are all fine with that? He is insulting me, you are all fine with that?

Victim: Oh shut up. You just go on and on, making no sense.

Supporter: Hai!! Bhaat see iss talling ees, somewan has told it to the other kilassmates. See is theyaar, yoo arr theyaar, see is not talling, who it ees? Bolo, bolo! It is bitbeen you and you!!! (Class sniggers. Silence at a growl from Heckler.) So, you arr tha kalpreet! Accept eet!

She-Woman: Yes! You are turning everything against me! You hate me.

Victim: Oh god. Save me. You spoiled everything for all of us now. No one has any more enthusiasm.

She-Woman: OHO!!! You are not escaping so easily! You are a coward! You cannot just run away like this! You have to learn to face up to your mistakes, you have to learn to be honest, you have to…

Victim: (Roars) SHUT UP! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! (Entire class goes deathly silent) You are simply trying to nitpick a good idea. I quit. Have your own f***ing party. Have fun. (Sotto voce) Rot.

Victim walks out of class. Entire class walks out of class. Heckler and supporter stay back to listen to She-Woman. Her voice can be heard Diminuendo.

She-Woman: He did this. He turned everyone against me. He hates me. I cannot work with him. He hates me…

(Curtain falls to the sound of the last thundering piece in Tchaikovsky’s “Swan Lake”)
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Author’s note: She-Woman exists. The Supporter and the Heckler exist. The Victim exists, and when he is not depressed, writes articles like this one. Yes, he is me.

The Party could have existed. It was to be a Farewell Party. It is now a party to which we, my classmates and I, have bid farewell. Thanks to She-Woman.

Cut out the humour (my own sickly addition), and the scene happened. Yesterday.

Thanks for reading this. All ticket money for this play will go into buying a Firearm License. I have taken to hunting lately. Thank you.

P.S: “V for Vendetta” is a cool movie. Watch it.